I've found it.

An exerpt from a letter written to Brian Pauley:

"I was fucked by a company that was drunk off the profits of residential development. This drunk was one that you know. You and I have experienced this haze. You know what it is, it's that Saturday afternoon in the Spring. The one where we meet up at 3pm. It's innocent. A couple of beers. The breeze begins to blow, and there is a general feeling of contentment. More of this could never be a bad thing, right? A bottle's seal is broken. Ice is obtained. The pours become richer, and actions become more valiant. It's now 6pm, and clouds rush the sky. The wind pushes your hair out of your arms, and you know that this can't be the end. There is more out there. So, we walk. No, we run. We run through backyards and alleys in nylon sandals, holding jugs of bourbon. Invincible. We reach a destination that is teeming with more of the same. Wretched. Filthy. Glorious. This is 10pm. It pours out of the bottle, now. No more glass, no more ice. These are impedements. It must be NOW! And this is where it begins. The blindness. You search out for the meaning when it first arrives, but like an evil slut, teasing you with what she knows you want, the crave begins. More. The haze has come, your eyes are filled with blood, the wailing for mercy has turned to screams of MORE!

You awake on a grassy bed of piss. It is now 5am. There will be no more glory today. You must now let go of them. You must lay off your employees, with severance. Because you were blind."

I have been laid off by morons. Now begins Street Life.

the pale

SHORT TERM FORECASTNATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE WILMINGTON NC859 AM EST TUE NOV 4 2008NCZ087-096-099-100-SCZ017-023-024-032>034-041600-ROBESON-BLADEN-COLUMBUS-BRUNSWICK-MARLBORO-DARLINGTON-DILLON-FLORENCE-MARION-HORRY-INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...LUMBERTON...ELIZABETHTOWN...WHITEVILLE...LELAND...SHALLOTTE...BENNETTSVILLE...DARLINGTON...DILLON...FLORENCE...MARION...CONWAY...MYRTLE BEACH859 AM EST TUE NOV 4 2008.NOW...PATCHES OF DRIZZLE WILL CONTINUE THROUGH 11 AM...MAINLY FROM TABORCITY...NORTHWEST TO BENNETTSVILLE. A COUPLE HUNDREDTHS OF AN INCHOF ADDITIONAL RAINFALL IS POSSIBLE.
-http://forecast.weather.gov/wwamap/wwatxtget.php?cwa=rah&wwa=short%20term%20forecast

It's raining like the rain that makes farmers cry out loud, and hold their families close to them to pray. These people are out there. Voting today, waiting out the queue in an elegant, natural, stately rain. Nature is trying to dissuade the meek vote. Wash out the ineffectual mass, the "i can't wait too long" vote, the "crap, my shoes" vote.

I went friday, at 2:20pm. The line was a thousand feet long. My colleague, (who is currently in Corolla, riding out the exit polls with beer and 25 knot winds from the east), was there with me in the intent to vote. Him leaving the next day meant that now was the time. As soon as we settled in line, an older gentleman leaving the ballot room passed by us, saying smugly, "An hour and twenty minutes."

Now, let me remind you, my colleague and I are no fools. And I saw through this fiend's ruse soon enough. The pace of the line was just too swift for a time of 1hr20'. This led me to believe that he saw a young and handsome idealist with a need to cast a direct vote, and taken me for a slacker, with hardly the impetus to stand in solidarity at the local mall with my neighbors, and make a choice in our society. Any feelings of drudgery and loathing were now met with hard determination and uncrippling devotion to what I was there to do. Thank you, fat old white guy. Thank you for wasting your pitiful idea on someone who gives a damn.

And yeah, it took about an hour. A shade under an hour. I was soon reminded that my animosity towards the guy might have been misdirected. But still. C'mon. I haven't had shit to write about in awhile. Gimme a damn break.



Sat. Nov. 29th. Battle Rockets w/ The White Cascade. 7pm. Bring us extra gloves.

the excuses

I got my 401-k statement the other day, and was relieved, because I haven't seen one in a few months. The issue was dire. It stunk. I....didn't really care. I knew when I put it there that it is just a sweet kiss goodnight, and good luck when you see it again. We aren't suckers, I can tell you that.

But who is the sucker? That damn guy on Main St. they keep talking about? I think that's hilarious. The persona that candidates give the average citizen is so dead. We aren't that nation anymore. We have become so isolated from each other that homogeny is impossible. We see ourselves through the inner person we gain from media. Somebody told Corbin the other day that he looked like Dwight Schrute. Do you know what that can do to a person?

Anyway, it seems that we are going to be playing some shows soon. I am pretty excited, this is going to be a good group. We have put in some time, and it has been productive. When I find out, you will too. 'Till then, wonder about it.

failing riser

Don't expect any thing out of me. I'm not to be....expected. Yeah, I went to the show. All I will say is that it was good, and I'm going to move forward with nothing more said.

I went in the woods today. It's been months. I was actually excited about it. Old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. Trying to get enough work done. Helping out.
Actually, I'm going to get to see this job through to the end. Hopefully. Today, I enjoyed my job. For once in many, many months.

Now don't misinterpret,
I don't intend to whine AND judge.
That would be so unfair.
So if I am to be expected to,
remove me from the egress refuse,
and hold me bare.

000FZNT24 KNHC 062122OFFNT4OFFSHORE WATERS FORECAST FOR THE GULF OF MEXICONWS TPC/NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER MIAMI FL430 PM CDT MON OCT 06 2008OFFSHORE WATERS FORECAST FOR THE GULF OF MEXICOSEAS GIVEN AS SIGNIFICANT WAVE HEIGHT...WHICH IS THE AVERAGE HEIGHT OF THE HIGHEST 1/3 OF THE WAVES. INDIVIDUAL WAVES MAYBE MORE THAN TWICE THE SIGNIFICANT WAVE HEIGHT.GMZ089-070330-SYNOPSIS FOR THE GULF OF MEXICO 430 PM CDT MON OCT 06 2008.SYNOPSIS...TROPICAL STORM MARCO IN BAY OF CAMPECHE AT 19.5N 94.7W AT 4 PM CDT MOVE W-NW AT 8 KT TO 20.0N 95.6W TONIGHT... 20.5N 97.0W TUE AND INLAND 21.0N 98.5W TUE NIGHT. COLD FRONT MOVE INTO N WATERS LATE TUE REACHING FROM FL PANHANDLE TO BAY OF CAMPECHE LATE WED THEN STALL AND WEAKEN OVER SE WATERS THU.
-http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/text/MIAOFFNT4.shtml

dream a little dream

Today is wretched and tiring. Tomorrow is the same. Only now is peaceful. Now is serene and comforting. Try to find the bliss of now.

Well, I made it. From the way I left things last week, I'd either be run over or out of breath by now. Truthfully, Monday just takes it all out of me. I can't win on Monday. So, I try to put Monday off. I'm doing it right now.

I am getting into this habit now, and it is fun to see myself do something seriously other than marriage, music, & work. Can't believe it's gone on this long. I thought that it would've been over in a couple of weeks, but I can see that I am starting to need you. So take that, but don't run with it. You'll fall, and it's sharp.

One of the things that I always look forward to is the coming of winter. Autumn is only that, nothing more. People will say that they love autumn, and I do too. But let's call it what it is. The anticipation season. Everything about autumn is so up front and obvious. Start putting on more clothes, it's cold. Start harvesting food, your plants are slowly dying. Start cleaning your gutters, there are leaves falling from the trees. If/then. Nothing held back, no punches softened. All the subtle niceties gone. You ARE freezing to death out here. But not me. I can wear my jackets, I can light a fire in the creek, and if it's cold enough, I can slaughter a hog. There is no better time.

Next week, I will tell you about In The Year Of The Pig, and their show this friday with Death Came Down The Mountain and The Curtains Of Night (CD release) at the Local 506.

Can't I?

This job is going to bury me. I can see it already. I've seen it. It happens during the day, right after lunch. Someone texting/driving. They run right through the cones at 45mph and BAM!

Like Emeril might say, after spicing something.

Yeah, I know. Jokes. Ha. It's funny, c'mon. Y'know it's funny. I'm just trying to make light of a back-breaking situation. I. Am. Safe.

I am, really. OSHA and all that. What is it, you might wanna know, that I do for a living? That would cause all this commotion first thing in?

It's up to you to figure it out. If you know me already, then you know.

Enough said of all that. I am settling into a posture that is more relaxing. I need to sit down and tell you what I wanna talk about. But I don't think I can bear it today. Sometime around 12 my will to do much other than breathe fell short.

And as such I leave you. Breathless.

Have at it.

So, it's been awhile. I decided to try to ignore you all, and do what I want with my time. But here I am. And it's monday. And I've tried to ignore that too, and it worked. I can make any day different except for Sunday. Sunday always feels the same.

We dodged hurricanes. For a week, in Florida.

South Beach.

It was a dreamy time. When the sun would go behind a cloud and all the beautiful people on Collins Ave. would shrink up into beautifully hideous ghouls. The 48 yo plastic woman I thought might crack. The mens' boutique owner at 3am with a pile of in the back room. I'M STILL SELLING BELTS! BUSINESS IS GOOD! The europeans, smug with savings in USA. The kids from nearby suburbs with no taste wanting ice cream and cheap looks. The hosts/hostesses that will do just about anything to get you to eat at their tourist hole restaraunt.

The art deco hotels. The cuban food. The beach.

Key West.

We stayed at the Gardens on Angela(Duval/Simonton). They had about 1/4 of the block, all the suites nestled among the local flora. They had tortoises. And a hot tub. And a bar at the pool, hosted by a guy named Billy that served drinks from 2-8 most every day.

And we watched the sunset, and ate more Cuban, and went to see Hemingways' and his cats, and the Truman Complex, and the southernmost brewery in the US at a restaraunt owned by Kelley McGillis. I thought their bad water would knock it dead but, by god, good beer!

And in Florida, no less. They don't drink beer. Not in Miami anyways. The models would swell like so much rice and melt in the humidity. Just plastic parts floating into the catch basin at the end of the street on it's way to the ocean. Whales choking on DD latex. Collagen lips on their way to some Carribean shore.

So, yeah that. And some other stuff. The band is good. I'm jogging.

DNC 2008

Watching the Democratic National Convention makes me realize how often I hear myself say,

"remember. remember that they don't know you. there are ideals, and there are convictions. and there are promises. and there are ways of making you talk. so you don't know. meet all of it with a squinted eye, and a good memory of the past. it will return."

I am registered, for the first time ever, as a Democrat. I have always hated the fact that America, which basically guarantees personal choice(to a point), has only 2 agendas for the masses to decide upon. Now, don't get me wrong. You could always vote Libertarian. Or Green. But what is that gonna do for you.
More than I would know. I've never done it. Unspecified. Or whatever it is they've said I can be, when I had to shame myself into a choice. But not this time. Now it is mine.
This past Friday I found myself at a colleagues', when news broke that Obama's running mate was going to be made public soon. There was a whisper of a printer in the American desert that was running Obama/Bayh bumper stickers.
Now my colleague is a Libertarian hippie. And we both know that our friend here is a true American. His stocks are traded with the efficacy of baking a pie. (tip: remember to let it cool $) Old school Bush guy. And we both knew that there was no way it was gonna be a Bayh ticket, unless they had finally jumped the rail.
A Bayh ticket would become the damsel chained to the El tracks. On The Loop. With McGovern waiting at the Daley Plaza, sobbing.
But that was not the fact, was it.
Joe Biden. Damn right. We finally have a ticket old grumpy can get behind. Hard nosed assholes know each other. Sit back, and enjoy the ride.
So, as the high Denver air intoxicates all the NY delegates to a feverish, hasty pace, I leave you with the comments of my aforementioned colleague Chris Matthews. Later.


Or give up things like night clubs? And steaks?

- MSNBC coverage of DNC '08

Gustav

ZCZC MIATWOAT ALLTTAA00 KNHC DDHHMM TROPICAL WEATHER OUTLOOKNWS
TPC/NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER MIAMI FL200 PM EDT MON AUG 25 2008FOR THE NORTH
ATLANTIC...CARIBBEAN SEA AND THE GULF OF MEXICO...THE NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER
HAS INITIATED ADVISORIES ON TROPICALSTORM GUSTAV LOCATED ABOUT 225 MILES
SOUTH-SOUTHEAST OF PORT-AU-PRINCE HAITI...
-http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/gtwo_atl.shtml

the first one

So enters my foray into....what? An idea? A way out of shit work? A way to self medicate? For everyone to see? Maybe not. There's nothing keeping me from stopping this right now, deleting the whole thing, and going back to reminding myself to hoard typewriter ribbon.
But I know me. And you will too, maybe.
This is all a great idea, don't get me wrong. And I buy into the whole world conciousness, open your bedroom door so they can all see your dick thing. I've kind of been waiting for this since kindergarten. I want my friends to see this. I want people I hate to read my rambles, and try to think about how they affected me. By the way, you didn't. I forgave/forgot you.
But. I don't know if I can bring myself to leave it alone. To not pick at it. To not bite the nail to the quick again. Every time I start this self introspection of myself, the mockery starts in my head. "You wannabe. STOP NOW BEFORE SOMEONE THINKS YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. CAUSE YOU DON'T!!" And then, I just stop.